My boy has been gone 2 weeks. I remember the pain, physical and emotional.
Grace is something I am not yet feeling. While I don’t want to know why, I know I can never know why, I know that I hate that this happened to us. My husband, whom I wanted to give this child to so badly, didn’t deserve this loss. My kids didn’t deserve the loss of a brother.
I am not angry. I am frustrated. I am confused. I am sad. I want to go back and change it but I know I am powerless. I can’t ease anyone’s pain, let alone my own.
Trevor said it the best at the funeral service, “I don’t know what to do now.” That replays over and over in my head in his little voice, saying exactly what I feel all the time. Where do I stand now? What do I do? Where do I go from here?
I know I need time, we need time. I just don’t know how to judge when I will be “ready” to return to normal life. “Normal” is relative, we will find a new normal. Since being home full time again I have realized how much the kids need me even though they are much older. I am sure the family will need me to return to work but I am scared of that. I will not let fear rule over my life but I have to weigh all emotions.
For now I am going to go lay in the arms of my husband and feel what I feel.