Monthly Archives: April 2012

Sunday Breakfast at The Ensey’s

We had pancakes & biscuits made from scratch, bacon, potatoes and sausage, country gravy from scratch, and all the toppings and condiments to go along.
So yummy and fabulous!
It’s so awesome to be able to sit with my family time & time again, cooking for them, listening to them tell ridiculous stories and cheesy jokes.
What a good morning!

Out of the Blue…

…yesterday was a horrible day! I really didn’t see it coming even though I knew it would be a tough morning going to the OB/GYN to have a birth control implant put in. First time I would have to fill out paperwork listing my living and not living children. First time explaining to health care professionals my health history including the loss of Rex. And the lovely, never ending, explanation of my health the last few years. 

It snowballed in to a horrible day. Josh has been sick this week and that makes him more emotional and that makes him worry about me more. After my early morning doctors appointment that unfortunately didn’t result in me getting the implant I decided to treat myself to a thrift store adventure. I thought my phone was in my purse, it wasn’t. It was on the floor of the car where it fell out of my purse. If anyone knows me they know I am lucky toget in and out of a thrift store in under an hour. I can’t leave any area unturned. I didn’t realize I didn’t have my phone with me until right before I checked out, 2.5 hours later. When I got to my phone I saw 7  missed calls from a rather frantic Josh worried about where I was, how I was. When I dropped him off at work that morning I was not doing well. Quiet, didn’t want to talk about the doctor’s appointment, didn’t want him to go with me to the appointment (that was a first). I was upset when I left the doctor’s office so when I disappeared Josh got very worried about how and where I was.
I came home, didn’t want to be home. Didn’t want to be in the house. Didn’t want to deal with the kids. Didn’t want to think about or deal with food. Before I had a chance to melt down Josh kidnapped me and we tried to escape my unhappiness. I tried to perk up but we came home to crying, angry children. I had hoped my mood wouldn’t rub off on them I guess I was wrong.
I love that Josh can see that even if I don’t want distraction sometimes I need it. Even if he is sick and just wants to curl up and sleep he whisks me away to try and cheer me up.  

Not sure why I feel like publicly announcing my sadness but I do. For most of my life I have kept a journal. I really thought that through all of this loss and trauma I would be writing like crazy! Physically writing on paper, not only online. But I just sit with pen & paper, blank. I know for a fact there are so many other women out there that have gone through this loss. I can only feel what I feel. I can’t ignore it even if I want to. Hopefully someone out there silently suffering will know they are not alone in their pain. The loss of my son, stillborn when he could have been born and lived that same day, is different than losing an older child. I can’t imagine that loss. I have seen friends and family deal with that loss and I still don’t think I can truly sympathize. Empathize yes but sympathize, no.

To be blatantly honest I don’t know what I want. Josh cannot go through loss like that again. Can’t go through a pregnancy constantly worried that we, the baby or I, might not be okay. Rex was a surprise all the way around. From the beginning to the end, a surprise. I don’t want a surprise pregnancy again, that I know. Do I want another child? Do I want another pregnancy? Le sigh. I just don’t know, which means for now the answer is No. I get pregnant without much work, ahem, so I know we have to be extra careful now. (I do realize that this may be too much information for some to read publicly but I know we are not the only ones making these decisions based on similar emotions so I feel like sharing.)
I am choosing the implant for numerous reasons; not as many physical health side effects as an IUD, no chance of forgetting to take a pill or being precise on the timing with a shot, it can be taken out simply if we want to try something else, and 3 years of coverage with a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant. I am not sure why but it is a seriously emotional decision for me.

I didn’t sleep well, it was hot, humid, muggy. 

Today I am doing my best to be me, as happy as I can keep myself.

 

…she likes to read my posts and see what we’re doing, settling in to our home here. So I am sharing all the little things.
Once again, craigslist came to my rescue.
We have been using some 1970’s melamine plates, small bowls and saucers that we acquired in California last summer. While melamine is fabulous and we love the fun floral print, we need everyday dishes that can be microwaved safely.
For $35 I was able to score this set;
Gibson Paradiso Set in Celery
http://www.amazon.com/Linen-Paradiso-Dinnerware-Gibson-Overseas/dp/B00593M6B4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335401483&sr=8-1
~ 10 mugs
~ 10 bowls
~ 12 salad plates
~ 9 dinner plates (and they are BIG plates)
I am pleased as punch!

I have the geekiest, awesomest husband ever!
For Christmas when I was 10 my parents gave my brother and I Ewoks from Star Wars, I got Kneesa (the gray one on the right) and Scott got Wicket. I don’t know if Scott still has Wicket or not but I still have Kneesa.
I have slept with her pretty much every single night since that Christmas. She propped up my belly while I was so uncomfortable sleeping during all my pregnancies. There were times during my previous marriage when my husband thought I was ridiculous for sleeping with her and in my state of compromise I would put her away in a keepsake bin. Always to bring her out eventually.
Long story short…
…my husband needed a Wicket. So he got one. An original from 1983, pretty much like new. Look closely you can see my matted Kneesa after dozens of washings and millions of cuddles.
I am so happy for him but more for me since I now won’t have to fight him for Kneesa in the middle of the night, he has his own Ewok to nuzzle.

Wednesday~

~what is turning out to be my favorite day of the week!

We got a couple of surprises in the mail today. Who doesn’t love surprises in the mail?!?!

My most beautiful Mother-in-law, Michelle, sent a box of Josh’s items from California that included a few surprise items amongst the clothes.

A letter and card from our cousin Holly that I savored reading. Holly, I know you are reading this! Thank you so much, you will absolutely get a response in kind.
I loved the poem on the card so I am going to include it here.

This hasn’t been an easy time for you, 
and as one who cares about you,
there have been so many moments
when I’ve wished I could have somehow
spared you some of the pain
or at least cushioned the blows.
But it seems that we each
have our own roads to travel in life.
For a while, we’re on a smooth,
well-worn path,
then suddenly the road swerves.

But do you know what?
I’ve watched you with admiration
as you’ve faced difficulty
with strength and courage.
And even in those times
when you may have wanted to give up,
you somehow found it in yourself
to carry on…

and I just know you’ll continue to do so.
You’re a remarkable person.

And even though
this is your road to travel,
be sure to look along the side
from time to time.
The person you’ll see there,
the one cheering you on,
will be me.

-Linda Lee Elrod 

So many have shared the same sentiments with Josh & I over the last 2 months and to have it versed so beautifully meant so much to me, thank you Holly! I hope you don’t mind me sharing.

The other surprise in the box is just amazing. Truly, beautiful and we LOVE IT!! Thank you so much Jason & Melissa, it means so much.

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I hung it in the dining room so we can see eat each and every time we sit together as a family. 
It is so perfect!! 

We are so blessed to have such thoughtful and loving family members. I love that I have gained so many fabulous people in my family!

Josh’s First Birthday~ My Pride & Joy!!

4/21/11~ Josh’s day #1

4/21/12~ Happy First Birthday!!

I fibbed when I told Josh I wouldn’t publicly declare my admiration for him on his Birthday. But, one little fib can’t hurt when it’s to declare to the world how proud I am of his first year of living clean. Really, it’s been one hell of a year to go through and stay clean but he has done it with such strength!
I am in awe of him. I do believe the last time he had a full year of being clean was when he was 11 years old. The accomplishment is so immense! So beautiful! So AWESOME!!
We are putting in the work and seeing the rewards of living clean. Even through our losses we see the blessings in our every day life.  

I am breathless to think that I have such an amazing man as my husband; my strength when I am weak, my hope when I am down, my freakishly matched mate, my Joshua.
I love him. I love our life. I love our family. I love his Birthday. 
Every day is a miracle! 

Sadie on a typical night…

…with her phone, Tablet, quilt Grandma made for her and lots of laughter! She has a track meet tomorrow, a Varsity track meet! Last week at her first meet, Freshman/JV meet, she placed 3rd in javelin so they are having her throw in the Varsity meet tomorrow! Yay! I am so proud of her, hopefully I can get some video of her throwing tomorrow and post it ;o) She will hate me for it…hehehehe
She is laying on the latest craigslist acquisition…1 of 2 couches; one of them a pull out bed, with full slipcovers, pottery barn style from a few years ago…both for $60!! I washed all slipcovers today after picking up the couches and they came out perfect! Only a few tiny little spots that didn’t bleach out.
Am I crazy for having white couches? Maybe.
Do I love to use bleach? Not so much.
Do I care? Nope, they will be so easy to keep clean.
I will post more when both are in the living room and it’s set. You can see we haven’t taken the carpet out of the living room yet, just the entry area to the left in the photo. I cannot wait to get the carpet out of the rest of the house. Josh would prefer to keep carpet in the bedroom but I really, really hate the carpet in our room. From the 70’s, possibly the 60’s, and it is so thin you may as well be on the hardwood floor beneath. Not sure why but Josh has a thing with bare floors in a bedroom. I can compromise but that nasty, old carpet that is in there is coming out no matter what.
I had one of those days that as soon as I was dressed I was doing, going, moving, cleaning, until Josh came home from work an hour early, we had dinner and then I sat for the first time all day. Then up and down all evening laundering slipcovers, replacing slipcovers, doing dishes, removing the daily clutter. For some reason today there was stuff all day. Not a lot of actual cleaning, I have a list of that left to do. Thank goodness for tomorrow! I did so much today that wasn’t on my “list” that I can’t feel bad for not vacuuming or mopping. Last night I went through an organizing frenzy and cleared out 2 areas that had been weighing on me. Since removing the baby’s clothes, diapers, linens I haven’t reorganized the hall closet drawers and our bedroom closet. That was a solid couple of hours that really helped me emotionally.
The crib is still up in our room but neither of us have even talked about taking it down yet. I am ready. I know Josh is ready. I may just do it myself, it’s not a difficult task physically.
I haven’t been out to the yard to work for the last couple of weeks. Lots to do out there. I almost don’t want to think of how much there is to do out there. Like the basement. There is so much to do down there too. We have the carpet we removed from the dining room down there ready to be rolled out but we need to get the living room carpet down there first so we can put them in the correct spots at the same time. (That was a run on sentence, for sure ;o))
First thing in the basement, time for bug bombs again. Coming in to a new season I am going to head off spiders and creepy crawlies by bombing. I then need to compartmentalize, in my brain, areas of the basement to work on. I don’t need to think of the entire basement all at once. Just need to remind myself of that.
Okay, enough of the babbling on & on.

psst…we gifted the red leather couch that Evan and Michelle left here for us to one of Josh’s coworkers. The white leather couch we are going to do our best to get down to the basement. Not quite sure how yet but I am determined.