Out of the Blue…

…yesterday was a horrible day! I really didn’t see it coming even though I knew it would be a tough morning going to the OB/GYN to have a birth control implant put in. First time I would have to fill out paperwork listing my living and not living children. First time explaining to health care professionals my health history including the loss of Rex. And the lovely, never ending, explanation of my health the last few years. 

It snowballed in to a horrible day. Josh has been sick this week and that makes him more emotional and that makes him worry about me more. After my early morning doctors appointment that unfortunately didn’t result in me getting the implant I decided to treat myself to a thrift store adventure. I thought my phone was in my purse, it wasn’t. It was on the floor of the car where it fell out of my purse. If anyone knows me they know I am lucky toget in and out of a thrift store in under an hour. I can’t leave any area unturned. I didn’t realize I didn’t have my phone with me until right before I checked out, 2.5 hours later. When I got to my phone I saw 7  missed calls from a rather frantic Josh worried about where I was, how I was. When I dropped him off at work that morning I was not doing well. Quiet, didn’t want to talk about the doctor’s appointment, didn’t want him to go with me to the appointment (that was a first). I was upset when I left the doctor’s office so when I disappeared Josh got very worried about how and where I was.
I came home, didn’t want to be home. Didn’t want to be in the house. Didn’t want to deal with the kids. Didn’t want to think about or deal with food. Before I had a chance to melt down Josh kidnapped me and we tried to escape my unhappiness. I tried to perk up but we came home to crying, angry children. I had hoped my mood wouldn’t rub off on them I guess I was wrong.
I love that Josh can see that even if I don’t want distraction sometimes I need it. Even if he is sick and just wants to curl up and sleep he whisks me away to try and cheer me up.  

Not sure why I feel like publicly announcing my sadness but I do. For most of my life I have kept a journal. I really thought that through all of this loss and trauma I would be writing like crazy! Physically writing on paper, not only online. But I just sit with pen & paper, blank. I know for a fact there are so many other women out there that have gone through this loss. I can only feel what I feel. I can’t ignore it even if I want to. Hopefully someone out there silently suffering will know they are not alone in their pain. The loss of my son, stillborn when he could have been born and lived that same day, is different than losing an older child. I can’t imagine that loss. I have seen friends and family deal with that loss and I still don’t think I can truly sympathize. Empathize yes but sympathize, no.

To be blatantly honest I don’t know what I want. Josh cannot go through loss like that again. Can’t go through a pregnancy constantly worried that we, the baby or I, might not be okay. Rex was a surprise all the way around. From the beginning to the end, a surprise. I don’t want a surprise pregnancy again, that I know. Do I want another child? Do I want another pregnancy? Le sigh. I just don’t know, which means for now the answer is No. I get pregnant without much work, ahem, so I know we have to be extra careful now. (I do realize that this may be too much information for some to read publicly but I know we are not the only ones making these decisions based on similar emotions so I feel like sharing.)
I am choosing the implant for numerous reasons; not as many physical health side effects as an IUD, no chance of forgetting to take a pill or being precise on the timing with a shot, it can be taken out simply if we want to try something else, and 3 years of coverage with a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant. I am not sure why but it is a seriously emotional decision for me.

I didn’t sleep well, it was hot, humid, muggy. 

Today I am doing my best to be me, as happy as I can keep myself.

 

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