Feelings. All shook up and befuddling to the mind & heart.
~I am ever so grateful and thankful for my own Mamma. I have had a shining example to follow over the years.
~I am in love with my 3 living babies (even if they are much older than babies now).
~I am heartbroken that I don’t get to revel in being a new Mom again this Mother’s Day, holding my Little Man and feeling rather accomplished & proud to have him with me.
~I can admit it, I am jealous of my friends with their babies on this Mother’s Day. That does not mean I am not full of joy for them as well. Like I said, it’s a shake up of emotions right now.
~I am angry that I don’t get to celebrate with all of my kids tomorrow.
~I want to just be selfish and be alone and not deal with anyone else’s emotions.
Honestly, what concerns me is that I am going to be annoyed and frustrated with my family trying to make me happy tomorrow. How stupid is that?
I have never loved days that focus on me, I feel like they can never live up to the hype put on them. I really want to have a nice day tomorrow, not too overwhelming, too emotional. I don’t know how to accomplish that. I know Josh is going to be on alert watching for any little thing that may cause me pain. Of course that means I am going to be extra sensitive to his feelings. The kids will be the kids. Paying special attention but all of the usual sibling relations will be there, after all it really is just another day.
I am sad. The last 2 weeks have had more difficult days than previous weeks. In 2 weeks I will have the kids home (I just typed ‘all the kids home’ and realized I will never have “all” the kids home so I had to erase/retype) for the summer and I will mostly have my time filled with less head time. And for a crazy person like me I think that may be a good thing right about now.
Along the “crazy” train of thought, I know there are more than a few of you out there that have wondered but not had the balls or the presence of mind to ask about my weight/anorexia issues. There have been some extremely difficult days. I have lost weight. I most definitely would not say I have lost weight drastically. Josh watches when I eat, when I don’t eat, what I eat, quizzes me about when & what I have eaten, quizzes the kids if he doesn’t like my answer or doesn’t believe me, insists on me eating in front of him/with him. Overall it’s rather annoying but exactly what I need. You will be happy to know I am still wearing womens/juniors sized clothes, not little girl sizes ;o)
Josh took the boys shopping for gifts for me. I think that I will definitely be surprised in the morning at my gifts! That was not something that George ever did for me or the kids. It was always a last minute card and flowers. And, of course, whatever gift I bought myself representing the kids and/or how I feel about being a Mom.
I love my life. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my Mamma.
I needed to get these not so fabulous feelings out tonight so tomorrow I can focus on the day meant to celebrate all Mothers in my life.
I don’t want to go to bed, dreams have been plaguing me lately.
I do have some fun posts to put together; Trevor’s birthday last week and our visit with Alisha & Brad. I will get to them soon!