…and then you die.
If you don’t want to hear me screaming swear words do not read this post.
Josie, our lovely perfect cat, was run over and killed sometime this morning or possibly last night, we aren’t sure exactly when.
I don’t want to hear anyone ever say, “that’s why you shouldn’t have a dog.” Just putting that out there on the front page right off the bat.
Really? Really. That extra little bit of joy we had from having a playful perfectly matched pet had to be ripped away. She couldn’t have just disappeared. No, she had to be run over and ripped to shreds right in front of my house. Huge blood splatter and smear marks the road that I see every single fucking time I look out a window or walk out my front door.
No. We aren’t allowed to have living things. Any new living being that brings us joy gets fucking killed, ripped out of our lives in a tragic, traumatic way. I don’t know why, and I don’t fucking care why, I just know that this life is cruel.
Blah, blah, blah, I have 3 healthy, thriving, happy kids as well as 2 stepdaughters (that unfortunately I have not met) that do bring me endless joy and love every second of every day.
The kids are fine, she was more of our kitty than theirs. She was more Josh’s than anyone’s. And that is what kills me right now. He didn’t deserve to have her killed. She brought him a calm, healing peace to help him deal with the loss of Rex. He could always count on her to fill his empty arms when he felt down. Teenagers don’t really like to sit on laps and be nuzzled and pet and loved.
She is in a box in the backyard. Josh will bury her when he gets home from work. I walked the street to find her collar and I found it. So she can at least be buried with it.
I am so fucking mad right now. Bring on the grief. Wasn’t I just saying how things had moved along in the grief process, changed? Yah. Well they just changed again. All I want to do is go curl up on top of Rex’s grave and be left alone. I can’t stop crying.
I can’t stop thinking about why the fuck we are even in this life if it’s just to feel stress, anxiety, pain, frustration, live our lives for money. What do we do? We wake up, go to work for money (or be stay at home parents and feel guilty for not making money, feel judged by others at every turn), spend our free time spending money, or wishing we had more of it to do “things”, buy “things”. I want to disappear with my family, off the grid, away from the constant pressure. I have guilt because I feel like others look in at us and our situation and judge it. Think we should have done this or that with our money. Think I should be working instead of home with the kids this summer. Think Josh should work 2 jobs. If you aren’t getting it, I don’t have a whole lot of optimism. We are getting older, the kids are getting older and with the choices I made 20 years ago I pay for it now. I didn’t finish my college degree. I gave up on my career and chose a man that brought me nothing for 15 years. Yes, I have 3 beautiful kids but the second shit got tough I was left holding the bag. Luckily in the divorce he got saddled with all the leftover financial shit, including a HUGE IRS debt. Unfortunately, my credit is literally the lowest score possible because of the last 5 years. New marriage brings love and joy but also someone else’s baggage. Josh got to share in my baggage, I share in his.
My brain likes to roll all events in to one huge negative mass and you know what? Right now, fuck it. I don’t care. I hate whoever invented this life. And if all this pain and anguish really didn’t matter in the long run then why the fuck doesn’t the joy and happiness out weigh it. Just a little of it. I just want happiness to outweigh the loss for a day or two. I have learned that with Rex dying I now look at my kids differently. I have always told them I love them frequently but it’s different now. I know a tiny bit of loss and can’t imagine losing one of them. And for those of you that have lost children, at any age, I cannot imagine the pain and anguish and my heart aches for you.
Josh and I are making it just fine here. No, we didn’t use our tax return to buy the house. We used it to pay off things we had hanging over our heads and pay our bills. We used it to set up our life together. We used it to buy the kids pool passes for the summer, to buy Sadie a trip to her cousins for the summer. We didn’t overspend on anything, we didn’t use it frivolously yet it went faster than we would have liked. That motherfucking Mercedes sitting in my driveway motionless sucked a lot of it away while still not solving the problem with the CA DMV.
And if one person out there has the balls to tell me I am depressed you can choke on your words.
I want to feel what I am going to feel through this and I will not let my feelings be altered by some medication that supposedly will make me happy. Fuck that. I am not suicidal, I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything. I just want to live my life the way I want to live it with my family. We don’t drink, we don’t do drugs, we don’t self sabotage by going down paths we have traveled in the past that have never worked out well. We are kind, we are loving, we have fun with each other, we truly care for each other and those around us, we do our best not to yell (although I admit I am the worst offender on that one), we do our best not to fight, I FEEL like I am a good person. Bad shit happens to good people. Well good shit happens to bad people too so take those little sayings and shove them.
Do I want to hide away in my house and say, “fuck you, world”? Yes, I do.
My kids deserve more than I can give them. Funny, earlier today I posted a quote from Audrey Hepburn that says,
I do believe that anything is possible but it’s only possible with the tools you have in front of you. If you want something different then you better get out there and get the tools to make possible what you want. But it starts from somewhere, and right now I am not feeling like the tools I have in front of me make much more possible right now. I don’t want anyone else to use their tools and do it for us, I don’t want to rely on anyone else, just us. I feel like we’ve been enough of a burden to those around us. First my parents for taking me & the kids in during and after the divorce. Then my sister & brother in law for moving us out here and getting us set up in this house and with our first jobs when we got here. Same with Josh’s family, his parents for taking him in and supporting him in his sobriety after his divorce and losing everything he had worked for. His siblings for always being positive that Josh could move on and be successful and sober.
And here I am, sad & angry. Grateful, yes. Still moving forward, yes. Doing it with the best attitude, definitely not but I don’t care today.
I just feel like so much of this life is bullshit.
And you know what, I don’t care if you disagree.