Monthly Archives: July 2012

DIY pallet furniture

So I have been thinking I am ready for some changes in the house.
We need furniture in a few rooms but have $0 to spend on new furniture when we have some that semi suits our needs.
I also love to have unique, one of a kind pieces that please my eye. Lately I have noticed a few pallet pieces that have piqued my artistic side.
This layout of pallets will work perfectly as platforms for the boys mattresses, meeting corner to corner, not butting up against each other. Tyler truly is too big for their twin bunk bed, he sleeps on top & last time I was up there I was sure if I moved wrong it would move dangerously. Putting their mattresses this way would leave a square of the pallets open in the corner for reading light, books, & Legos will be banned. Plus, the spaces below they can store books in instead of just dropping them on the floor as they fall asleep.

Next up, an entertainment center for our old heavy television. We were given an entertainment center but the TV is too large for the opening & we are using it as book & toy storage in the boys room.
Right now the TV is on an antique stand table that is strong enough but just barely big enough to hold the TV & nothing else. The computer we run the TV from and all the accoutrements do not fit anywhere but on the side leaving all of the wires & cords exposed & oh my I hate seeing them. I have all of our blankets & quilts built up under the table to hide them. So this is a coffee table idea that I want to mimic and make into an entertainment center, without casters & wider.

101 DIY pallet furniture

Now to move to the yard!
We have no furniture in our backyard & it’s a large backyard with a huge tree that provides shade all day long over the grass & our back patio. It’s so stinkin’ hot here in the summer we’ve found we don’t want to even think of eating outside. But, I am sure there will be many times in spring  & fall that we want to eat outside. There are times we want to go sit out in the yard & just have no seating. I plan to use my tree & it’s shade!

Double the size of the above swing for a hanging bed of sorts to hang from the tree.

And for a good individual swing,

101 DIY pallet furniture

101 DIY pallet furniture

There are a ton of different pallet chairs out there. They say they take 2 pallets each but I am thinking 3 pallets could make 2. Or 4 pallets for 2 chairs & a little table but I would like a larger table like this:

101 DIY pallet furniture

I haven’t found an actual pallet dining table that I like so I think this larger table would do plus a few other smaller ones not on casters.

I guess that means I need about 100 pallets ;o)
I will definitely be keeping my eye out on Craigslist & maybe even call local businesses that I have seen give away pallets.

I am really wanting to make this a reality.
Really, really.

101 DIY pallet furniture.

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Great-Aunt Chauntel? Huh.

I am officially a Great-Aunt.

My nephew’s girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy just a few days ago. He is 16. She is 18. He is living 3 hours away, finishing out a sentence that started at juvenile detention then moved to a boys ranch and now another facility. She is living with her mom about a mile from our house.

I don’t know how to feel. I have been all over the map with this. Of course, it all is based on my feelings of loss and anger. This baby boy doesn’t have much of a chance at a healthy family life. I have a family, loving & happy without our baby boy.

I don’t deal with “fairness”. I think that life is what it is and there is no fair or unfair. If you live in that world you often don’t take responsibility for things.
So the fact that she gets a healthy baby boy and we don’t just makes me shrug my shoulders & cry.

This afternoon Josh & I were watching a movie with the boys, I was knitting & all of a sudden the vision of handing over baby items that I have stored lovingly in my basement for no good reason came over me & I just began crying.
I have things I will never use. She has a baby that I know won’t have what he needs. Just because she is self centered & honestly just an awful girl does not mean that this innocent little guy shouldn’t have what I can share.
Josh said he can handle going over to her house to deliver things. I won’t send nice things that she won’t take care of, like a very expensive breast pump that Ali sent us (I have someone else in mind for that one, that I know will take care of it & need it). I will send over necessities; baby bath, receiving blankets, onesies, hats, socks, clothes that I just acquired not the ones that have meaning to us. I returned a lot of stuff right after Rex died. I just couldn’t have any of it around me. I don’t really even know for sure what is packed away in bins downstairs. At one point I think I had it separated in to a bin of items I wouldn’t ever get rid of & the others just had stuff in them. Not sure now, I did the rearranging & moving in phases as my emotions would allow.

I know it is selfish of me to not want to have this to deal with at all.
I feel horrid for the negative emotions & feelings I have surrounding this baby.
Do I wish her, my nephew or their baby ill? Of course not.
Do I wish they would have decided on adoption for this little guy? Yes.
Do I wish they weren’t stupid teenagers? Yes.
Do I wish that my sister & brother in law didn’t have this be how they welcomed in their first grandchild & my parents first great-grandchild? YES!!

Am I perfect? No.
Am I very tolerant right now? No.
Do I wish I didn’t have to go visit a headstone to physically be near my baby boy? Yes.

Ugh.

Life can be a real asshole sometimes.

Newest ~NZ~ FAMILY Members

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Meet PJ, or Petunia as we like to call her.

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And Butch, although he may get a name change we haven’t decided yet. They are 3 & 1.5 years old respectively. And they are big, happy cats! We adopted them from their original daddy, John. He moved in with his partner that is severely allergic to cats so they needed a new home together. They come from a loving home & we were lucky to be chosen. Funny thing, John was born at the same hospital as me in Sacramento & we graduated from the same high school 7 years apart, of course I am his senior 😉 Small, funny world this is! And yes, Josh is in love. He’s a little sad that the kitties are exploring the house & not loving all over him. His time always comes! Then the rest of us will have to find our own pets to love.

Sunday/Monday

Late night posts aren’t usually the best for me, flooded with emotion and rambling thoughts.

A year ago we found out we were having a baby.
Today we went to his grave like every Sunday. I am very grateful that he was born on a Sunday, it’s a peaceful day. A day that I didn’t have to worry about anything other than delivering my baby boy; no school for the kids, no work for Josh, the family we had close by didn’t have to cancel their work or school to be with us or help with the kids. 

My dreams have changed from memories of the pregnancy, his death, his birth day, to dreams of what he would be like as a living baby boy. 

One of my friends posted pictures of a newborn baby in her family laying on a blanket she had knit him and his eyes were open. I had such a flash of Rex’s closed eyes that it took my breath away. I never got to see his eyes. I never got to see that look of recognition that a newborn has for their Mamma, that seeking look they get & then focus on your face. The flash of knowledge that passes over them the first time they hear their daddy’s voice they know from the womb.

Did I do something, could I have done something different? Should we have had him tested to see what caused his death? Did I have an infection I didn’t know about? No, they tested me for just about everything they could and we didn’t want our perfect little baby to be touched any more than was absolutely necessary.

This grief morphs with time. 

Sometimes it’s an ugly grief. An empty pit of loss inside me.
Sometimes it’s a peaceful loss. Knowing I held him in me for his entire life. He never has to experience pain, loss, grief. But with that brings a sadness that we don’t get to share every day of our lives with him,  happy & perfect or not.

Trevor stated the other day that he thinks it would be interesting if this life we live is just a dream we are having. He didn’t have much else to say about it but it certainly got me thinking. I remember that thought as a kid. Having those dreams where in your dream you wake up from dreaming repeatedly to find that you are still sleeping & dreaming. Those dreams always left me very unsettled. 

My dreams are too vivid lately. I don’t like them. I don’t like what they leave me with. So I don’t go to bed until I am falling over standing up & I don’t get out of bed in the morning until I just cannot sleep any longer (don’t worry, it’s never later than 10am & usually closer to 8am). I know there is a concern over depression & isolation. I don’t know what to say other than Josh & I are doing what we need to be doing.

Hormones blow.
Birth control blows. 
While I like the 99.9% effectiveness of the implant I hate that I have had “spotting” for over a month straight now. And hair loss. And flabby weight gain. And cyst acne.
We decided that the side affects are worth the effectiveness and we’ll cross our fingers that I will adjust & after a period of time things will even out. 
I am giving it a year in place. 

On a more upbeat note (yet still emotional) we are going to look at 2 cats tomorrow night that someone needs to get rid of due to sudden severe cat allergies in a family member. They are fixed, raised together, 1 male & 1 female, like a busy household. It took some convincing to get Josh to agree just to go look at them. He doesn’t want to open himself up to any more hurt. I know that I am using them as surrogates for ever having another baby. That’s just the way it is. We both have fear & we have to face it and deal with it. He will be a basket case when it comes to the cats being outside, doors open, etc. I get it. The kids will just know that is how their dad is.

Trevor sat on Josh’s lap this morning & said, “You’re not my stepdad, you’re my dad.” 
It was hard not to burst out crying, how Josh held it together I don’t know but a couple minutes later there were tears. He’s having a hard time missing his daughter Kat in Sacramento, doing his best not to feel constant guilt, regret, shame over not being the best he could have been when she was growing up.

He refuses to live in the past, can’t change it, he can’t predict the future, he just has today as a gift & that’s why it’s called the present.
That is something he tries to drill in to my pessimistic, future-trippin’ brain & eventually it may actually set in.

I think I will end there tonight & prepare myself for some much needed rest.
xoxo