Great-Aunt Chauntel? Huh.

I am officially a Great-Aunt.

My nephew’s girlfriend gave birth to a baby boy just a few days ago. He is 16. She is 18. He is living 3 hours away, finishing out a sentence that started at juvenile detention then moved to a boys ranch and now another facility. She is living with her mom about a mile from our house.

I don’t know how to feel. I have been all over the map with this. Of course, it all is based on my feelings of loss and anger. This baby boy doesn’t have much of a chance at a healthy family life. I have a family, loving & happy without our baby boy.

I don’t deal with “fairness”. I think that life is what it is and there is no fair or unfair. If you live in that world you often don’t take responsibility for things.
So the fact that she gets a healthy baby boy and we don’t just makes me shrug my shoulders & cry.

This afternoon Josh & I were watching a movie with the boys, I was knitting & all of a sudden the vision of handing over baby items that I have stored lovingly in my basement for no good reason came over me & I just began crying.
I have things I will never use. She has a baby that I know won’t have what he needs. Just because she is self centered & honestly just an awful girl does not mean that this innocent little guy shouldn’t have what I can share.
Josh said he can handle going over to her house to deliver things. I won’t send nice things that she won’t take care of, like a very expensive breast pump that Ali sent us (I have someone else in mind for that one, that I know will take care of it & need it). I will send over necessities; baby bath, receiving blankets, onesies, hats, socks, clothes that I just acquired not the ones that have meaning to us. I returned a lot of stuff right after Rex died. I just couldn’t have any of it around me. I don’t really even know for sure what is packed away in bins downstairs. At one point I think I had it separated in to a bin of items I wouldn’t ever get rid of & the others just had stuff in them. Not sure now, I did the rearranging & moving in phases as my emotions would allow.

I know it is selfish of me to not want to have this to deal with at all.
I feel horrid for the negative emotions & feelings I have surrounding this baby.
Do I wish her, my nephew or their baby ill? Of course not.
Do I wish they would have decided on adoption for this little guy? Yes.
Do I wish they weren’t stupid teenagers? Yes.
Do I wish that my sister & brother in law didn’t have this be how they welcomed in their first grandchild & my parents first great-grandchild? YES!!

Am I perfect? No.
Am I very tolerant right now? No.
Do I wish I didn’t have to go visit a headstone to physically be near my baby boy? Yes.

Ugh.

Life can be a real asshole sometimes.

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4 responses »

  1. Although I could never begin to comprehend the complex emotions that you (and your family) struggle with, I can somewhat understand the resentment. I wish I knew why things like this happen. Why one loving home loses their gift, while a home full of anger and filth is blessed with life. I’m not even sure I could take a stab at trying to rationalize it. All I know is your emotions are justified. Follow your heart, however broken, and feel what you need to. If you feel that you need to share, then do. If not, don’t. I pray for you guys often, more so since Tuesday. If you need an ear, I’m here. ❤ you guys.

  2. Chauntel, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. When I found out, I cried for a good two hours, for the exact same reason. It hurts me to know that sometimes life isn’t fair, that someone could doom a precious little soul to an awful and unfulfilled life because of selfishness. There are so many people (including you) who I feel deserve to hold a baby in their arms so much more than her. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, I know life isn’t fair, and I know that it’s not right for me to harbor so many horrible feelings toward her because of it… but I guess that’s something I’m working.

    I love you, and keep your chin up.

  3. Life *is* an asshole sometimes – I’ve heard fewer statements so full of truth.

    That said, you have handled the uber-shit thrown at you (sometimes I like to imagine life as a monkey that flings excrement) with more grace and humor than I could ever have imagined from anyone, and it blows me away every time I think about it. I admire you and love you and curse the distance to Kansas because there are so many hugs I’d like to give you! I’m sending them telepathically, instead.

    And please, don’t ever apologize for your emotions and responses! They are yours, and no one else’s, and thus they deserve to be felt.

    A long comment, but I don’t comment all that often, so I hope you forgive me 🙂

  4. I am so very sorry that you & the family are going through this. I do hope that only the best things can come of this.

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